The Alpha King’s Rejected Mate
Chapter 9

SNOW

It was a great date. Not only was Tyler sweet and understanding, everything I just knew him to be, but he was very understanding. He might actually be the only person who even sort of got the situation I was in. It felt nice to not be the only one who had no clue about their history. It would suck for anyone, but for a shifter it was harsh. Shifters cared where you came from, what pack you were in, all of that. Being a loner, I felt a kinship to Tyler that I didn’t with anyone else. We were finding our way together and that made me feel better, like I had a chance.

Tyler’s k**s had been nice, but it wasn’t as explosive as Dutch’s, though it could have been the surprise that upped his k**s so much. I would have never thought that he would k**s me, or if he did, that he would bring that sort of heat. I was still thinking about that k**s, even when I was lying in bed, thinking about another man too. The k**s from Dutch made me feel safe and loved, just like Dutch always did. Where did Tyler fit into all of this? I was so confused.

I tossed and turned, trying to wrap my head around it all. I had my mind on more than one man, but it wasn’t like anything was going to come of it with any of them. I was in dire need of some attention, and Tyler was the only man that had taken me out on a date. That meant a lot. I might feel stronger about someone else, but dealing with anyone from work was a problem, especially if it didn’t work out. Tyler was safer in that way.

Tyler was also sexy, sensitive, and had a crooning voice that made me weak in the knees. I could do worse, that’s for sure. The more I thought about it as I drifted off, the more I wanted Tyler. I played out scenarios in my head, teasing myself by imagining what would have happened if I would have let him go further, do what he wanted. I shivered with the thought and went to sleep with those naughty thoughts on my mind. My hormones were on fire and my dreams were filled with all sorts of naughty things.

As several dreams played out with Tyler, the face and body changed to Sterling, and then Dutch. I had seen both men with not much on, so I had a pretty good idea of what they looked like without clothes on. It was enough to have heart palpitations in my sleep. It wasn’t the first time I’d had such dreams, but these were so vivid.

My dreams then took me back to the woods I’d been found in. Before I could run far enough away, someone had caught up to me. I knew they were going to kill me, and I hunkered down in place and waited for them to pass. I was hurt badly and couldn’t live like I was anymore. I didn’t know what I hated about my life, but I knew I wasn’t going back. I’d rather die than go back. Back home was who wanted me dead. It was a very clear feeling that I was in danger and nowhere was safe.

Pushed to the edge of death, it was mercy that left me standing. I remembered the words, something about having to fight, and then I was left alone. I passed out, soon to be found, but that was it. Blackness where my childhood memories were, nothing but a blank space that I couldn’t fill, no matter how hard I tried.

When I woke up, I felt different, and I started to think about that day and why I was dreaming about it. I was remembering things now, and I wanted to know the trigger. I’d tried to find out how to fix myself before, tried to trigger a memory, but I never knew what would do the trick.

I went back to sleep, and it was just as real as the rest. I was somewhere new and I was younger. I felt safe and I was aware of a presence around me that made everything okay.

I didn’t know who the person was, but I could feel their hand in my hair, the low hum of their voice as they sung me a lullaby. The longer I was in the dream, the more I could piece together. I was in a soft bed with silk sheets that were made for a queen. I felt special just to be touching them and to know they were mine. I felt so taken care of. It was very different than the feeling I had when I remembered the woods. Those moments were filled with pain and misery, hopelessness. When I was a kid, this memory was so happy, and I had never felt so loved and cherished in all my life.

When I woke up again, I felt at peace, something I’d needed more than anything. I had so many questions about who I was, what I was, what I’d done, and now, even though I still didn’t really have any answers, I felt like I was okay. Whatever happened wasn’t my fault. This was done to me, which wasn’t a good feeling, but I’d wondered in the back of my mind this whole time if I deserved it. Now, I truly didn’t believe so.

There was no way I was going back to sleep. I had too much on my mind, and before I could think of another way to figure it all out, I was lacing up my running shoes and heading out to burn some energy. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to focus on much of anything else until I got some things figured out in my head. I didn’t know how, though, and all of these flashbacks weren’t very helpful. They usually brought about more questions than answers, and now I was left feeling highly unsettled.

The run felt good, and before long, I was moving faster than usual. I always held myself together so tightly, and this was a moment of freedom, though it didn’t last very long. All of the second guessing I thought I had pushed away was back with a vengeance. I started to have trouble getting my breath, so I slowed down. I thought I was having a panic attack. I hadn’t had one in several months, but they were always scary, and it took a minute for me to calm down and catch my breath. Dutch had taught me how to control myself. He had done so much to help me since I came to the ranch. I looked around to ground myself and noticed I wasn’t far from his house. I hadn’t known I was headed that way when I started running, but I did feel drawn to him. He was the only safety I knew now.

I got to his house, and before I knew what I was doing, I was knocking and hoping he was home. He could have been out. I didn’t even know if he had someone living with him. I really didn’t have a clue about his personal life. I should have found out a long time ago, but I was here now, so I waited to see if he would answer. Hopefully it was him and not some sleepy-eyed girlfriend, or his son, who would want to know what I was doing there so late.

Dutch answered, and I at once felt better. All of the emotions I’d been holding back came out in a rush and I had tears in my eyes. I didn’t want to come here like this. I hated to show weakness in front of the guys at work, but Dutch was different. He was always different. He was the one who had made me feel okay with everything that was going on. That was no small feat.

Now, he wrapped me up in his arms, didn’t say a word, and just held me. He cooed a little bit, something to tell me that everything was going to be okay. I started to calm down and felt embarrassed that I had let myself lose my cool like that.

“What’s going on?” he finally asked.

I could barely look at him, but I told him, “I had some weird dreams and was finally remembering more of my past.” I didn’t go around telling everyone that I didn’t have my memories, Tyler was a fluke. Dutch had always been the one I could talk to about it. He would understand the significance of it.

“You did? Good! What do you remember?”

He was excited for me, and it really warmed my heart. He was such a nice guy and had been there for me through all of the hard times. It was nice to be cared for. I’d known him for three years and this was the first time I had anything more than almost dying in the woods where I was found.

“I was young. I think my father was with me and he hummed lullaby to me,” I explained, then sang a little bit of the song to Dutch. “Have you ever heard that song before? I feel like that will be the way I find my people and who I really am. I always thought I was going to never know, but if my memory is coming back, it means it is in there. I just wish I knew what had triggered the memory and how I can get it to happen again.” I was so excited about the prospect of learning something more. At the same time, though, I was terrified of what I would find.

“No, but I promise you, Snow, we are going to figure it out. I can’t imagine what this all has been like for you, but we are going to get to the bottom of it, together.”

“Thank you,” I said, feeling better about all of it. Suddenly remembering that we were in each other’s arms, I pulled back, but not too fast because I really liked the way he felt. I couldn’t help it. And then, of course, I got to thinking about the k**s we’d shared, and I wanted to do it again. He was so close, it wouldn’t have taken much at all to lean forward and press my lips against his. Maybe we could see where it could go…

The moment was gone when his hands came off me. He was barely meeting my eyes, pulling away at the first chance he got. I wanted that connection back, but I wasn’t going to get it right now.

“No, thank you, though, Dutch. I didn’t mean to bother you, I don’t know what I was thinking. I just got excited and wanted to tell you. I hope you don’t mind.” I was starting to feel silly, but he grabbed my hand before I left the porch.

“I will always be here for you, Snow, no matter what you need. All you have to do is come knocking and I will be here for you.”

I thanked him for that, and knew he meant it. I was so confused by the feelings and thoughts running through my head. He promised that he was going to help me figure it out and I knew that he would. Dutch was a man who kept his word, and I knew we would figure it out together.

The rest of it, though, these men, I didn’t know if I was ever going to understand what was going on with them. They all made me crazy in their own little way.