Let Me Love You Again
Chapter 98

Nate

Maya stayed in Axel’s room trying to calm him down while I called the paediatrician to ask what to do in these cases. Axel was agitated, his eyes were wide open, and he had no intention of going to sleep. He had clung to his mother with all his might and had no intention of leaving her.

He was terrified of something, I could only imagine what kind of trauma he had after being ripped out of Maya’s arms like that and spending days alone with strangers. Knowing also the distrust he felt towards others had not been at all easy for him and he wept my heart to see him in that state.

I explained the situation to the pediatrician, also describing what seemed like panic attacks for Axel. I was afraid to take him to a specialist, I was afraid that he would tell us to bomb him with drugs and I did not want my son to be subjected to such things already so small.

The paediatrician listened carefully to everything I said, even though it was late, he had no problem answering and listening to me. After my monologue, the doctor suggested I make him chamomile with sugar, a natural remedy that could calm the nerves and relax immediately.

As soon as I hung up I put myself in the kitchen and attached the kettle taking the chamomile we kept in the cupboard. My mother bought it in those turbulent days for us and for Maya, to make her feel safe since she couldn’t take any medication.

I prepared the infusion calmly, also putting some honey, poured it into Axel’s bottle and then went to his room.

I froze at the door when I found it empty.

“We’re here,” I heard Maya says.

I turned around and went to our room. Maya was on the bed, with her back resting on pillows, her knees bent and Axel was resting on her chest.

The child had his head on Maya’s chest and was lying on his stomach, in his Spiderman pyjamas, while Maya gently caressed him behind his back.

Axel had his eyes open and red, his eyelashes wet with tears, and he obediently sucked from his pacifier. His eyes were tired, and he could see very well, but he had no intention of sleeping, not alone at least.

I shook the infusion and lay down in bed next to Maya. Axel followed me with his eyes but remained anchored to his mother, terrified that she might escape from under his hands.

Maya took off his pacifier and I passed her the bottle. She fed him and Axel started drinking slowly and quietly.

“I think he’s traumatized,” I said with a sigh as I passed my fingers through his hair.

“Whenever he is alone in bed, he rebels and starts to panic,” Maya said with a string of her voice.

“It must not have been easy for him to be alone among strangers”

“We can’t leave him like this, we have to see a specialist.”

“And get him on medication? You know how I am,” I said shaking my head

“What do you expect me to do? Leave him to suffer like that?” Maya looked down at Axel, who slowly gave in with his eyelids but tried to keep them open.

I sighed and caressed his cheek, “For tonight we’ll let him sleep here,” I said looking him in the eye.

Axel nodded and closed his eyes, drinking every last drop. I took off his bottle and put it on the nightstand while Maya took Axel and made him lie on the bed between me and her. Axel sighed satisfied and closed his eyes as he crouched toward me, his hands clenched. I took the pacifier and shoved it in his mouth then I got up and turned off the biggest light, leaving only the one on the bedside table. I turned to the bed and found Maya lying on her side, her hands under her pillow as her gaze was turned to Axel who had fallen asleep on his stomach while he was happily sucking the pacifier.

I laid down next to Axel and stroked his back.

“I’m worried,” Maya said with a cracked voice.

“Me too, but we must be strong. I have faith,” I said, stretching out and placing a hand on her cheek.

Maya nodded and sighed, closing her eyes and stretching her arm toward Axel, gently hugging him.

I stretched my arm and laid it on his side, hugging them both. I kissed his head and closed my eyes, letting my sleep envelop me.

*****

I woke up with a cry all over the apartment. I snapped and looked at the clock. It was three o’clock in the morning.

I got up and went to Axel’s room, finding him desperate to cry in the middle of his bed. As soon as he saw me he pulled up his arms.

“Dad” he sobbed in a hoarse voice.

I picked him up and pulled his hair back as I kissed him gently on the head. Axel put his head on my shoulder and continued sobbing. I took him to our room and I found Maya sitting on the bed, rubbing her sleepy eyes, her hair ruffled and a sheet covering her legs, her belly now round could be seen from the fabric of my shirt she was wearing.

I put Axel on the bed and got him between me and Maya.

That was the situation of what was happening every night for the last three weeks.

We put Axel to bed, after a chamomile tea, and he woke up in the middle of the night screaming because he found himself alone and every night I was forced to take him to our bed, where he finally slept peaceful dreams.

We couldn’t even leave him in kindergarten anymore, and he was crying desperately, so Maya had to stay home all day with him and not take classes.

By now we were both worried, we couldn’t even leave him at my parents’ house or Maya’s parents’ house, without being called after an hour because Axel was scared, terrified.

We knew that we needed a specialist, we knew that Axel needed it, and he was acting out, we knew that his fear of being alone was destroying him, but we were both afraid that he was being medicated, as was usual for psychiatrists and psychologists.

We didn’t know what to do. Maya had entered the fifth month of pregnancy and she was too stressed out, not doing her any good with all that stress. In a few days we had the next visit with the gynecologist and I was afraid, I did not know what effect all that stress had on the baby.

I was afraid for Axel, for Maya, for the baby, and so was Maya. She was worried because the child had not yet started to move, despite being now at the eighteenth week.

Maya leaned over Axel and began to storm him with k****s as he continued to pull up with his nose, passed his hands over his reddened eyes and lay down next to his mother, on his side and grabbing with his hand the fabric of her shirt.

I put myself in bed and put my hand on my tired face.

“We have to go to a specialist Nate,” Maya said.

“I know it”

“We can no longer postpone”

“I know,” I sighed and closed my eyes, crossing my arms across my chest, “Tomorrow I’ll start looking for one. You sleep,” I said.

“You need to sleep too,” Maya replied, and then she felt a slight k**s on the cheek.

I turned off the light and closed my eyes again, hoping that sleep would come soon.